Have you told your wife she’s ugly today?
Ξ January 31st, 2006 | → 5 Comments | ∇ That's Life |
I have a theory.
If a husband can’t tell his wife she is ugly, the marriage must need help.
Can I prove this? Of course not. What would the point of that be anyways? But consider this…
There have been a whole pile of books written about how men and women relate to each other. Most of them are trying to provide some answers to why it can be hard to be in a relationship where you are so close to someone else. In some instances these books just give men and women the permission to basically just be the way they are with no concern for what parts of their make up are actually changeable. Yes, we all know now that women are feel-ers and men are not. Men are from one planet and women are from another. I could go on and one, but hold on a second. Men ARE feel-ers, they just don’t see the need to talk about it. Oh, and while I’m at it, men and women are actually both from earth. No, I’m serious on this one, we really are. I haven’t seen ANY interplanetary transport ships delivering the latest immigrants from various places in our universe.
Why is it, that we so often entrench ourselves in the “way we are” and just give up trying to improve upon ourselves to become someone who is better at being around other people? All of these books spend so much time defining everything they can, from what personality number and color you are, to what jobs you should be doing, to how your genes can be blamed for pretty much everything.
I would agree that understanding is important and helpful, but it just can’t stop there. We need to apply that knowledge in such a way that we can actually tolerate and become more tolerable to people who are different from us. The goal isn’t to become the same. It’s to simply realize that we are here to co-exist and co-existing is easier when we understand one another.
So that brings me to my theory.
Before I get started I just want to say that this theory hasn’t come from a frustration from within my own marriage. It’s more something I’ve observe from past relationships and relationships between people I know. Another thing I’d like to point out is the fact that I’m not a sexist. I just believe that both sexes have things about them that identify themselves. Over the past few generations I seems to be noticing more and more that the things that are accepted about women that make them a woman, are strong and worthy things (which may bery well be true) . Meanwhile, the things about a man that make him a man are becoming unimportant and foolish. I think it’s a shame we can’t just celbrat ethe differences instead of using them to try and squash the other sex. Yes, there was a time when women were squashed for nothing more than being who they are. Sometimes I wonder if the pendulum has swung. Instead of women getting bashed by a man’s extra strength, men are getting bashed by women’s extra emotion. There will always be wife beaters out there, and they should be held accountable for SURE. Please don’t take that last comment as a justification for abuse, or as a indifference to the abuse that still goes on today. I know the problems with abuse of both men and women are far from gone in our society. (I believe that even if we don’t get to the abusers with our various ways, God will hold them accountable. They won’t get away with it in the long run.)
Now. Onto my point.
There IS a place in a marriage for sarcasm. I’ve read in The Globe and Mail that a man by the name of Alberta Katz from the University of Western Ontario has found that men make roughly twice as many sarcastic remarks as women do. He goes further to report that this is no surprise to most of the population as most people say that they think men are more sarcastic that women. Personally, I appreciate sarcasm. Humor that is based around sarcasm is especially appreciated. I think it can be over used, but a well placed and timely sarcastic jab is fine by me. And let’s face it, we’ve all laughed at more than a few jokes built on sarcasm.
So why is it that in some instances, a man who tells his wife he loves her every day of his married life simply can’t be sarcastic about his wife from time to time without getting into trouble? Why is it that a man can pledge his undying love to his wife and she’ll be tickled, but the moment a joke comes out, she takes offense? Is marriage so sacred a thing to women that it’s can’t stand a joke now and again? I personally feel that if a married couple can’t be sarcastic and laugh together in that way, then there is a breakdown underway.
Ok, let’s assume I tell my wife she’s ugly. What are the reasonable and logical outcomes of this comment? (Of course, I’m making the assumption that women are reasonable and logical, which I know as well as any other married man, that the jury is most certainly still out on this one. :) ) So what could I mean:
- I mean it: It’s something that I’ve been harboring for some time. Ever since I proposed marriage, endured the wedding plans, and commenced telling her that I love her every day, I have been REALLY thinking, “My God! I can’t stand this woman.”
- I don’t mean it: I actually meant what I said when I stood at the front of the church in front of all my friends and family and my daily “I love you”s are the real thing.
So let’s look at the first, well this would truly be a tragedy of a marriage gone wrong. Something was amiss. Perhaps we got married for the wrong reasons. Perhaps we were just not being honest with each other from the start and something like this was bound to happen. Basically, what I’m saying is that this does happen and when it does, it’s a real shame. Men just shouldn’t say their wives are ugly and mean it.
Ok.
Let’s proceed forward from here with the understanding that there are still marriages out there that can go the distance. Let’s also say that my marriage is one of those. The truth is, I don’t think my wife is ugly. And yes, I have actually called her “ugly” on more than one occasion.
So we’ll look at option 2: I don’t mean it.
I actually think that this is the one that most women would believe deep down anyways. Even when they are acting like they’ve been hurt, they know it’s a joke, but for some reason, they just can’t bring themselves to react that way. They choose to take offense and hold their husband responsible for having said a horrible thing. He then gets frustrated and mad that she can’t take a joke. She then basically role plays within herself and says something like this, “Oh, I’m supposed to laugh when my husband says I’m ugly? What kind of a husband says that?” (Remember, she knows it was a joke, but just it’s playing it that way)
Well if you know your husband doesn’t mean it, which later in the argument you are likely to admit anyways, why raise the issue? She’ll often say something like, “Well, I know you didn’t mean it, but if you didn’t mean it, why would you say it?”
By this time there are tears and the husband is in disbelief that a simple joke has become the issue of the day. He wants to answer the question honestly and say, “I said it because it’s funny.” But he knows that the response will be “You think my sitting here crying is funny?”, so he instead starts disarming this whole thing by saying, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I meant it as a joke and I guess it just didn’t come across this way. Of course I don’t think you are ugly.”
She becomes satisfied with that and everyone’s friends again.
Ladies, why not just laugh? If you want a healthy and vibrant relationship, recognize your husband’s sarcasm for what it is and laugh. Yes, it’s possible he can over do it and joke too often. You can tell him when it’s too much. Until then, just laugh. You probably need a good laugh anyways. Consider that perhaps your husband married you because he really does love you. If this is the case then probably all his negative comments are supposed to be funny. Seriously, what man in his right mind would say something negative about his wife’s appearance anyways?
Guys, your wife needs to know she is loved. She needs to know it on a regular basis. If sarcasm is the only way you talk, you need to fix that. Try sincereity once in a while. It will work wonders in your marriage. No, her birthday and Christmas are not the only times in the year that you are expected to be expressive about how you feel about your wife. If you find it hard, try thinking of all she does for you and your family and remember she does it because she loves you. Then imagine it all stopping. That process often puts me in a place where I can tell her how I appreciate her very easily.
I tell my wife that I love her. She believes me. From time to time, I tell her she’s ugly. She laughs along with me. She knows it’s a joke and we enjoy the joke together. The day we can’t laugh about it, is the day I know my marriage has developed a problem.
Too many marriages are void of laughter. This simply can’t be good.
If you want a great example of a fun and sarcastic relationship that is obviously filled with love at the same time, watch “Nothing To Lose”. It’s a movie. The opening scene is awesome and inspires me to have fun with my wife.
So I end with this… If you can’t tell your wife she is ugly, you need to find out why not and get it dealt with. If this kind of fun is missing it could be a number of things.
- Men, maybe she’s suffering from love starvation. Maybe she doesn’t hear the words enough. If she KNOWS she is loved, then she’ll be secure enough to be able to enjoy sarcastic humor with you.
- Women, he’s only joking. Laugh and let that laughter become a piece of your marriage that you will both appreciate as the years pass. If you’re feeling insecure, tell your husband. He probably feels a little insecure too. Remember, he just made a joke that no one laughed at. If that doesn’t make you insecure, then I don’t know what would.